Fulfilled… Book Review & Giveaway!

This book.

Wow!

From the opening paragraph of the introduction, I was captivated by the words of author Danise Jurado. She demonstrates our need for God, and His gentle and compassionate heart for those who are hurting.

She shares her experience of coming to God, recognizing her need for all that He has to offer. “It’s my favorite place,” she says, “because I am safe here. In the arms of unconditional love…”

These powerful words speak directly to my heart. For much of my life, I have struggled with feeling unsafe. The promise of safety in the loving arms of my Savior touched something within, sparking hope for discovering deeper levels of healing and freedom.

For Such a Time as This…

Have you ever been blindsided? Hit with an unexpected blow, just when things seemed to be going well?

This is where I find myself this week.

Could this be an attack of the evil one, who “prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). Does he see my stubborn resolve to walk in faith despite my circumstances, and fear the progress I’m making toward freedom and abundant life?

Or maybe it’s the complete opposite.

In His infinite wisdom, does my loving, heavenly Father know that I have made just enough progress to be able to handle dealing with the next layer of brokenness?

Either way, I do not like finding myself in this place.

Not.  One.  Bit.

This week, I was hit with some news that left me reeling. I was literally shaking and felt sick in the pit of my stomach. To explain, let me take you back a couple of weeks…

Extend Grace…

Have you ever realized something about yourself that made you cringe inwardly?

A sudden awareness of your very human and flawed self?

Today, I did.

I sensed God showing me an area of hypocrisy in my life. And gently encouraging me to listen as He shared His perspective on the situation.

Love of a Father…

It shouldn’t surprise me.

This wondrous love of my heavenly Father.

Yet, somehow, it never ceases to amaze me when He reveals the fullness of His affection.

During a meeting with my Pastor last week, I shared that I have been feeling ‘stuck’ in my journey toward healing. I know that I have made tremendous gains in coming to understand the depths of God’s love for me. He has graciously surrounded me with love and support over the past few months, especially from many of you who have blessed me beyond measure with beautiful words of encouragement. Although there have still been difficult days, it has made a world of difference knowing that you are there to compassionately ‘listen’ as I share my heartache and brokenness. So thank you!

My loving, heavenly Father has also blessed me with a renewed strength that I know could only have come from Him. He has helped me to stand firmly against the lies of the evil one, saving me from spiraling downward into the pit of despair. I truly have much to be thankful for!

But the sense of being ‘stuck’ persists. The journey feels stagnant. There has been little, if any, moving forward. As he often does when there is no straightforward answer, my Pastor suggested we pray and ask God why things seem to have been put on hold.

His Precious One…

Welcome dear friends!

I am honored to be guest posting as part of a series on depression at Lisa Brown’s blog, Me Too Moments for Moms.  Lisa is one of many wonderful people I have met over the past couple of months, since I began blogging. She has done an absolutely beautiful job putting this series together, which shares real life stories of depression, as well as God’s love and presence through it all. These stories are heartbreaking at times, yet abounding in hope. I encourage you to read them. It is with great humility that I share her introduction, followed by my experience of dealing with depression…

Innocence Punished…

In a previous post (Child Forsaken), I shared a recurrent nightmare that haunted me throughout my childhood. The dream began during the period of time when I was being abused. It would rip me violently from sleep, and leave me trembling in the darkness of my room.  Alone…

I often woke up in a panic, my heart racing and drops of sweat running down my face. Though I was trembling with fear, I didn’t dare cry out for my parents. I was afraid that if they found out about the dream, they would find out about the abuse as well. I worried that they would be angry and would punish me severely. I was convinced that they would stop loving me if they knew.

Perhaps you wonder what was behind this fear. It may seem so unnatural that a small child would wake up from such a terrorizing dream and not cry out in fear for her parents.

I had my reasons.

Child Forsaken…

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been plagued by nightmares.

One dream was particularly disturbing. It began during the period of time when I was being abused, and would often rip me violently from sleep. I would wake up terrified, my heart racing.

Steps to Freedom…

It has been several posts since I left off the story of my healing journey. In part, there were other things on my heart that I wanted to share. But if I’m completely honest, I was also avoiding. You see, although I believe God has prompted me to share my story, and has promised that He will redeem my brokenness for good, there is also a very real part of me that is more than a little uneasy about sharing this journey publicly. I feel so vulnerable, and for me vulnerability = danger. The times that I have been most vulnerable in my life are the times that I have been wounded most profoundly. I have worked diligently to build walls of protection around myself – to keep anyone from getting close enough to ever hurt me again.

This fear, at times paralyzes and threatens to consume. I am thankful that it is not the only emotion. There is a new sentiment rising up within me, growing stronger with each step of obedience…

Hopeful Anticipation.

Visiting the Place of Death…

Please don’t think me morbid for my choice of photo. There was a room just like this one, in the place the bad things happened. It is a part of my story. I wish this wasn’t true. I wasn’t planning on sharing this part just yet, but life has a way of bringing the unexpected.

This week I had a family funeral to attend. It triggered memories and feelings that I wish I could escape.

This makes me angry. Death and funerals are so closely intertwined with this thing we call life, that it seems I am forever facing the cruel reminders of my past. Sure, I could refuse to go, but people would start asking questions. Questions I am not yet ready to answer.

My husband stays close by my side, to help me feel safe and protected. We bring our daughter along as well. I have found that having a little one to take care of in those moments, helps me to stay ‘present’. Keeps the memories from overwhelming me and taking me away.

A Step of Obedience…

…After listening compassionately to our concerns, our pastor explained the power of generational sin.  He suggested that this might be giving a foothold to the evil one, and factoring into the inner turmoil of our precious boy. He recommended working through a freedom-based curriculum… He then made a further suggestion… Rather than simply seeking to address the brokenness in our son, we could work through the curriculum fully.  For ourselves…

The pastor suggested we take some time to pray about our decision…

The time had come.  My husband and I were welcomed warmly into the Pastor’s study. The men exchanged pleasantries about the weather and kids. My eyes scan rows of books lined neatly on shelves, then gaze out the window at speeding cars. Looking anywhere but the Pastor’s face.

I know what I need to do, but everything inside me protests.

God had clearly spoken to my heart, telling me that it was time to acknowledge my hurt, to stop pretending everything was fine, and to seek healing for my brokenness.  Refusing to follow his leading would be an act of willful disobedience and rebellion.

I had come to a crossroads of sorts. Would I continue to claim that I trusted Christ, but in actuality trust no one but myself? Continue to live in a state of constant hyper vigilance, letting no one close enough to ever hurt me again? Or would I take a step of faith and walk the path he had so clearly shown me?